More Words to the Wise

If any dudes out there are considering getting married I have but one word of advice: Don’t. It’s not bad at first. The food’s good the sex’s good the food sex’s good and you get that wonderful thing called “house-sex” which may or may not be intertwined with borderline or completely illegal sex. That part’s not all that bad but when the kids come along it really takes a hit (reference This). After a year or so a little thing called the Honey-Do list pops up. Chances are that the Honey-Do list has always been there but just resorted to minuscule tasks such as change the oil in the car or replace the brakes or something of that sort. Sometimes it may even be fun and pertain to something like see who can have the most orgasms in eight hours but eventually, especially after kids, it will become more grueling and less enjoyable (possibly to make up for the lack of sex due to children). Take for instance my Honey-Do list for the day. The main thing on the agenda was fix the lawnmower: Done. I finished about 8 am and went around the back to check out what all fruit we have coming in. When I finally get back to the house around 8:15 I hear the most awful noise in the world: My wife taking a hammer and drywall knife to the tile kitchen floor. I admit that I kinda set myself up for it by saying that I was going to do it this weekend but I’d never really allowed for delaying it so as it was I end up having to assist in removing all the tile (with the assistance of my lovely air hammer) and replace it with el-cheapo Ikea laminate flooring (hey $0.69 is not only a damn good position but also a damn good price) while she spent the rest of the day reading the new Harry Potter (which apparently the bastard-ass jock doesn’t die). As of 8:30 this evening I have just a little over half of the tiles removed and just finished spending a half hour washing pieces of grout out of my hair. So gentlemen do yourselves a favor and don’t get married. If you’re worried about the sex life just know that Thumbelina and her four sisters will never turn you down.

A Word to the Wise

For those of you who are considering having kids take the following advice: Having children is not unlike sacrificing yourself to the volcano gods. It’s noisy and exhausting work and when you finally get to the point that it all makes sense you’ll start to wonder just what the hell you were thinking. And for all the dudes out there just know that if you get a brood of girls like I have thus far then be well prepared to indulge in the feminine culture especially if you take the house-bitch path like I did and are at home all day not only cleaning the house and children but also fixing stuff and adhering to all the standard manly oriented details. As we speak I’m trying to figure out how to sew new car seat covers for the girls with a pink fabric covered in small green cartoon frogs. I can feel my penis shriveling up. The plus side is that the sex life changes namely in the sense that it’s not dead but becomes sparse and infrequent and appears in gas station restrooms across the country much like Elvis. The plus side is that when it does happen to make an emergence it’s not quite as covert as Elvis but instead makes a trumpeting announcement to the world that usually wakes up the children thus forcing it back into hibernation for the winter. It just so happens that mine has reappeared over the past two days and I can say this in all honesty: because of the unique situation of never being alone the short time that we are it’s discovered that my wife can do things that I did not think were humanly possible. So if you want to continue having uninterrupted sex quite frequently then children are not for you, however, if you’re willing to sacrifice frequency and sound for a few times of immeasurable pleasure that seem like not forty seconds of orgasm but more towards forty minutes then having children is definitely the way to go.